Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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