new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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