I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
