I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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