john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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