She is in my trunk
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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