I wanna passion pit in your ass
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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