fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
