Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
