when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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