I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize