bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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