I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
