i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
