the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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