Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
