4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
