When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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