my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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