My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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