i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i came on her dog
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
