I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
