this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
