can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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