Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
