Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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