Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
