Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
