Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
