I wanna bring you to show and tell
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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