I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
