How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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