my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
