I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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