I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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