I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
