the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize