i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
