Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
