I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
