YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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