im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He felt like a one man threesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
