I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
