I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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