If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
