I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
