I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
