He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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