someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize