He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize