I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
