The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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