I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I pour the whiskey from now on
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
