i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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