There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
