I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
