Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
